"I seem to be breathing, but I haven’t learned to live without him"... How to help spouses of fallen heroes?
The meeting was organized by Olena Sokalska, who created the well-known project Alive. Real Love Stories" project, which is implemented by the Contemporary Ukraine Foundation. Through the project, women attend painting workshops that solve at least two problems. It is both a great art therapy and, at the same time, an opportunity to communicate with "your own" people, with people who are going through the same things as you. The project organizes exhibitions of paintings created during the workshops in different cities of Ukraine. Olena says that her task is to help as many women as possible so that in the most remote corners of the country, the spouses of fallen heroes know that they are not alone.
According to psychologists, art therapy and communication are the most effective ways to ease the pain of loss. Not to remove it completely, which is almost impossible, but to ease it. Bessel van der Kolk writes in his book The Body Keeps Score: "When the body and mind experience pain, we have a biological need to express it. Pain that cannot be told or expressed in any way comes back and creates even more problems for us."
Olena and I have known each other for a long time, we studied together at university, we were friends for a while, but we didn't see each other often. During one of our meetings, I found out from her about a terrible tragedy - her beloved husband died in a terrible road accident. Olena was left alone with her little daughter in her arms, among people who could not even understand the depth of her tragedy. That is why she understands very well what a person who finds himself alone in the midst of grief needs, and how to ease the unbearable pain at least a little.
...The café near the Golden Gate is cozy and warm, with soft music playing and a quiet noise coming from neighboring tables. We got to know each other - all women of different ages, different professions, and different destinies. We ordered and started talking about what unfortunately united them.
The youngest Yana Yasinska, a thin, slender blonde, looks very young and defenseless. However, this impression is deceptive, because during these more than two years of war, the young woman has simply had to become strong. She is the wife of the border guard hero Ihor Yasinskyi, who died near Mariupol in the first days of the Russian invasion. Having fled from the occupied territory, Yana found herself in Kyiv alone with two young daughters aged three and thirteen, without a home and without any help from her relatives.
Yana spoke first because she was in a hurry, as her daughters were left alone at home. The young woman is a native of Mariupol. When she met her future husband, Ihor Yasinskyi, she had a terrible marriage behind her and was raising a young daughter alone and working in a supermarket. That's where they met. Yana sat at the cash register, and Ihor often came in to buy something.
"We had love at first sight," Yana admits. "Whenever he was in the shop, I would look at him and tell the girls that he would definitely be mine. Ihor was very handsome, always with a sincere smile, and had beautiful eyes. And then one day I got sick and was in hospital, and he found me on social media. He wrote: "Hello! How are you feeling?" That's how our communication began. A few months later, I introduced him to my family - my parents and daughter."
Yana and Ihor lived together for only three years, but they were the happiest. Ihor is a border guard, and his family lived 20 km from Marupol, in the village of Yalta, on the shores of the Azov Sea, where his unit was stationed. He is originally from Lviv region. He came to Yalta in 2019, when he and Yana met, got married in 2020, and their daughter Masha was born in 2021. Ihor died two days before her first birthday.
"My eldest daughter accepted him as her own, and now it's all very painful for her," says Yana. - "They went fishing and did their homework together. In general, Ihor paid a lot of attention to her, found time for her. He was two years younger than me and he will forever be 26 years old."
Ihor was killed in early March 22nd, defending the village of Staryi Krym, which is also near Mariupol. Yana found out on 6 March, just as their youngest daughter turned one.
"I did not believe that he was gone," Yana continues through tears, "I was looking for him for almost 3 months. I knew the place where Ihor died, I went there. It was a large hangar, his body was under a huge slab, and I couldn't get it out on my own. And no one could help, because there was already an occupation."
Only in February 2023, Yana's father, who remained in the occupied territory, went to the border checkpoint where the orcs were already stationed and somehow persuaded them to help get the body and allow them to bury it.
At the time of our meeting, Yana had not yet attended a masterclass, but she had an idea for her future painting: "I want to paint the sea, children and myself. The sea is my element. After my husband died, I often came to the sea - I could cry, scream, howl, and eventually I felt better."
Vita Kahaniuk titled her painting "Feelings". "This is my gratitude to my husband for the happy years we lived together, for my adult daughter. For the fact that he went to defend us without waiting for a draft notice, and now we are talking to you thanks to him and all the other guys and girls who died and those who are now defending us," the woman explains.
Vita seems much more confident than Yana, but still, sometimes there is no-no in the eyes, and a subtle confusion and helplessness flashes.
She and her husband, Petro Kahaniuk, have been married for almost 25 years, and they were supposed to celebrate their silver wedding in 22. "We had a lot of plans for this celebration, we dreamed of going to Europe," says Vita. "Back then, before the war, we had such a happy period, we were happy to be alive, happy that we were still young and had an adult daughter (she was 19 at the time), that we were free. My husband said: "Vita, you should have given birth to the second one without regaining consciousness."
The first thing Vita remembers about her beloved is his smile and jokes, she says that he was very cheerful, had a real manly character, and was always warm and calm around him.
Petro was a veteran of the ATO, and before the war he made charging stations for cars. He also found a hobby - leather goods. He first made a wallet for his wife, and Vita still keeps it. Then he made a lot of original wallets and bags that he gave to his family and friends.
In the ATO, he served on the border of the Luhansk region and the "LPR", and almost returned there when the full-scale invasion began. On the morning of 24 February, he put on his uniform, packed his backpack and walked to the military commissariat.
"From there he called and said that he had rubbed his feet because he hadn't worn boots for a long time," Vita continues. - "So we went with my mother and daughter to the military enlistment office, brought him winter boots, sneakers, and various food. That was the last time I saw him. He also took off his gold cross with a chain and gave it to the daughter. After that, he only occasionally got in touch, writing or calling. I didn't even know which troops he was in. During one of his calls, I asked him where he was. He answered: "Both near and far." I found out later that he was in the Chernihiv region. Petro was killed on March 18 during an artillery shelling, having been severely injured. He was only 47 years old."
At the morgue, Vita was not shown the man's body, they explained that he was "very seriously injured". They only gave him a bullet-ridden military ID card and a combat veteran ID card, adding that his death was instantaneous.
"It's very hard for me now. I miss him very much, I live in the memories of him, of our happy moments in life," says Vita. "I got involved in this project by accident, I'm not a creative person, it's probably in memory of my husband. My hope is that we, our souls, will meet in the afterlife."
Everyone has their own love. For some, it's a constant celebration, with unexpected trips, gifts, exciting meetings even in the evening after work, and a lot of memorable occasions. For others, it's quiet and calm, and they don't even remember anything special. You just live and realize that you are incredibly happy that your loved one lives next to you.
According to Nataliia Shpakovych, another project participant, it is difficult to recall any special moments of family life because all their days were special. After work, both she and her husband Yevhen would rush home to spend another evening together. Weekends were also calm and quiet:
"In the morning, we had breakfast, coffee, and started cooking something tasty, baking something. We would go for a walk around the city or to our friends' houses, we love our friends very much, and although Yevhen did not drink alcohol, when we had guests, he always treated them. Everything was fine. We got married when I was 18 and he was 22, when we were just kids, and I was happy for 30 years." We had a daughter, whom we had been waiting for, and now we have a little grandson.
Yevhen Shpakovych died together with his wife's brother Yurii Aksionov near the village of Klishchiivka near Bakhmut. They were friends, worked together on the railway, served in the ATO, went to war together - first in the territorial defence, and then in the Armed Forces, died together, and are buried together in the Forest Cemetery...
"The guys were wonderful - both my brother and my husband, I was very happy," Nataliia says. "At the beginning of the war, my husband said to me: "Natasha, I came back from the ATO, and now I'm going to come back too. Don't worry, I'm strong, you're strong, wait for me, everything will be fine."
According to Nataliia, both her husband and brother were not the kind of people who could sit, hide, and wait for a draft notices: "Yevhen was a patriot, he loved his country, his life, we made plans. Before the war, we moved to a new apartment, which we had dreamed of all our lives, but unfortunately, he did not have time to live there. It is very painful."
Nataliia painted her painting "Cotton" very quickly, in two days. She says, "I didn't expect it from myself". She plans to continue painting and participating in exhibitions.
"When we draw and talk, we get distracted at least a little bit, it's therapy for us, we learn to live without them," Nataliia explains. - "But I know what love is, and I will love him forever, carry his memory in my heart. He made me happy, he loved me. It's hard, very hard. I dreamed about him, he said, "I'm here." But how I want to see him alive, to tell him how bad I feel, to complain, to fall on his shoulder... I miss him like air. It's like I'm being strangled, I can't breathe in with a full chest."
Valentyna Bereza recalls that when the war broke out, her husband Yurii Aksionov was away on a business trip, but he returned very quickly: "I watched him read the news and realized that he would go alone because he could not do otherwise. He was a warrior, a real warrior."
On 25 February, Yurii was already in Kyiv and went to the military commissariat. They refused him and told him to wait, and if he needed him, they would invite him. But he went to Bortnychi to visit his comrades with whom he was in the ATO, and there he joined the territorial defence. In May, he came to Kyiv and signed a contract with the Armed Forces.
"Of course, I didn't like him going alone, I was scared, I asked him not to go alone, to wait until he was called to the military commissariat," says Valentyna, "but Yurii said: "Who else but us? There are children going, and I am 51 years old, I will not sit on the sofa. I'm going to defend you." He was a senior sergeant, acting as a platoon commander, he knew how to lead, he had some kind of military methods of action."
Before the war, Yurii was a completely civilian man. He once graduated from a railway college, but, as Valentyna says, he knew how to do everything - put in a door, install an air conditioner, a window, and wallpaper. Before the full-scale invasion, he worked for a company that installed air conditioning in trains.
The couple lived 26 happy years. It so happened that it was the second marriage for each of them. Valentyna's first husband died, and she was left alone and pregnant. Yurii's relationship with his ex-wife didn't work out, and they divorced. They had known each other for a long time, but one day they met, talked and realized that they wanted to be together.
"He was the real love of my life, we felt each other, we could even communicate without words. He knew by my breath that I was not feeling well," the woman says.
They both had many plans and dreams. Yurii really wanted to build a country house, he had even built a shell of a house. Valentyna could already imagine how they would have dinner together, looking at the beautiful flowers in the garden, how their children and grandchildren would come to visit them.
Meanwhile, they were traveling and visiting.
"On weekends we used to go to the village to visit our elderly parents, we both loved working on the land, in the garden," says Valentyna. - "We often travelled, we loved going to the Carpathians, we had our favourite places there.
When Valentyna heard that there was an opportunity to take part in an art therapy project on oil painting, she immediately agreed, because she had been dreaming about it for a long time. Of course, she painted flowers, beautiful peonies, perhaps the same ones she wanted to see in her and her husband's garden one day.
"I will definitely finish that country house, but for now I can't even feel that I'm living," Valentyna cries, "I seem to be breathing, but I haven’t learned to live without him. He was my universe..."
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"There is no one right way to experience grief. Everyone experiences it as individually as they experience love," writes Megan Devine in her book It's OK If You're Not OK. She gives, in my opinion, good advice to those who want to help their family or friends through grief. And the main one is to be there for them, to show them your love. To come, to help, to listen. "Be love," Megan Devine advises, "because love will last forever.
Tetiana Halkovska, Censor. NET